Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What I Think About When I Pee

Have you ever noticed how often people have to dodge murderers in public restrooms? I mean it happens all the time in the movies – that suspense riddled scene in which the shotgun toting psycho killer kicks open stall by stall searching for his prey only to find that they’ve somehow eluded him by some trickery of stall swapping.

This is why I can’t enter a public restroom stall without part of my brain formulating my hide/escape plan in case of psycho killer. Should I go under or over? Is the gap around the door small enough that I could pull my feet up and perch on the toilet to avoid a lazy gun toting psycho who just checks for feet?

I was in the public restroom at an upscale department store the other day and I almost couldn’t do the deed. There were actual walls between the toilets – floor to ceiling! My only escape route would be under the door. Hello shotgun splatter to the face –come on people, that’s just poor planning right there. I was tempted to talk to store management about it.

And what do men do? Sure in the movies their bathrooms are lined with stalls, but according to the men in my life there’s usually only about one or two stalls in a normal public men’s room and the rest are urinals. You can’t hide behind a urinal! This is why I’m able to take the long lines for the women’s restroom at stadiums in stride. I’ll trade a bathroom stall door as a shotgun shield over a defensive urinal cake toss any day.

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